The Action in Waiting

Lately my heart has had this gnawing feeling. It is a feeling that I cannot shake, nor do I want to. It is that constant desire to leave everything that I know and everything that is comfortable and go to a new place. A place where nothing is familiar except the scenes from pictures I have looked at and movies I have watched. It is a feeling that I want to go to a place where everyone and everything is new. My heart beats a little faster and my mind wanders at the simple mention of a new place. What would it be like there? Who would I meet? What new things would I try? What are the names of the streets I might walk upon?

Home is not my home. When I leave town I always feel like I am going home. When I am coming back I feel like I am a stranger in a sea of familiar faces. I am more comfortable in a crowd of strangers than in a group of the familiars I have known for so long.

Then, as if God is audibly speaking to me I hear, "Not now my child. That time shall come. Be patient. Look where I have you. Be here. Live here. Love here. Wait for me. Do not get ahead of yourself." It is the words of a dear friend I continue to hear ringing in my mind: "God has not forgotten you. He is not skipping over you. He has a plan that will be far better than you or I could ever imagine."

As I read through scripture I am constantly reminded of the superior plans of God and the lacking plans of man. In Proverbs there are a few verses that say this explicitly.

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD."Proverbs 16:1 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.Proverbs 19:21

"The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out."Proverbs 20:5

Then there are stories upon stories of how man planned things, God changed the plan, man was obedient (or disobedient in Jonah's case), and God was glorified. For so long I have had grand plans to do things, to go places, to live a certain way and now I am beginning to watch God change those plans. He has answered the many prayers I have prayed and has shown me the path to take. As for now, I sit and wait. Waiting is sometimes the hardest part.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Psalm 27:14

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"

Psalm 37:7

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry."

Psalm 40:1

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation... For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him...Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:1-8

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning."
Psalm 130:5

Waiting is the hardest part, but what is the proverb we have heard all of our lives? Oh yeah: "Good things come to those who wait." My heart has a gnawing desire that I cannot shake. I do not want to make it go away. So for now; I wait. I only pray that I can wait patiently and wait prayerfully. Waiting doesn't mean that I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Waiting is full of action. It is the action to fulfill what I am to be doing here. The actions to live, love, and learn. Waiting is a willingness to be preoccupied toiling in other ways in other places until the Lord takes me to a new place. 

When God Says "No"

Over the past 6 years my friends and I have had this running joke that God wouldn’t let me leave the state for more than 7 days at a time. This spring He said yes to me for a trip to Italy. There is something awesome about getting what we want, but what about the times we don’t get what we want? God is still good. He still has a plan. He knows all things past, all things current, and knows all things of the future. He knows all. When we are told “no” we seem to revert back to our two year old selves and throw a mini-tantrum. God has a plan that I do not yet understand.

Ok, maybe not everyone; but I know I do. This is a problem, because in essence I am saying I think my plan is better than God’s. God knows what is best for me (and you). He has a specific plan for us and some things, sadly, just do not fit into His plan.

Although He has given me many yeses, there are still so many things where I am getting a big fat no. Some of them I understand and some of them I have been left in the dark. He is opening up some doors and quickly closing others, all-the-while leaving some slightly cracked. Originally I thought I was graduating in December; nope, there is more school to be done. Thought I would be taking another short trip overseas for the summer; nope, there is work to be done. Thought I would be doing this, that, or the other and so many things have changed (but stayed the same) in such a short amount of time. This time last year I had a completely different major with my current goal and vision. Now I am studying in a different department, learning completely different things and around drastically different people than before. God has a plan.

Sometimes I feel like God leads us in certain directions to test our faith and trust in Him. For instance, this year everything seemed to be working out perfectly for me to go overseas for 10 days with the university’s Study Abroad program. Then, things changed. God allowed things to work out everything perfectly until He told me no. He has me right where He wants me, and for whatever reason that is here … where I am currently writing this from – my job. He has given me a job, in the most unique of ways, and has allowed me to work with students from all over the world. He has also given me some of my best friends through this job. His plan is sweet and lined with good things (that doesn’t mean we always get what we want or that things are always going to be hunky-dorey either).

I don’t always get what I want. I didn’t marry that guy or get to date that other one I “liked sooo much”. If I did, my life would look quite different. I didn’t get to graduate within 4 years of starting college. If I would have, I wouldn’t be working here and most likely not even have the job I have now. I didn’t get to leave the country every time I wanted to or take the trips I wanted to take. If I would have, I would be in much more debt (let’s be serious, travelling is expensive – don’t let that stop… please travel! So much out there is just waiting to be seen). I didn’t get that job I applied for in Hawaii. There are so many things I have been told “no” on, but there are so many good things that have happened because I was told “no”.

God’s plan is so much better than my own and I miss that at times. When I am turned down for things it doesn’t mean I need to stop trying, it means I need to find where I should be trying. My efforts are not wasted, they are learning opportunities for what is to come in life. Our parents, grandparents, and elders didn’t become wise overnight. No! They lived, they learned, they were told no and had to figure things out. Don’t give up on God when you don’t get your way, ask where you missed the turn or where to go next. Sometimes our “GPS” needs to recalculate.

Trust God’s plan even when you don’t understand. That is something I have been trying to learn over the past 6 (almost 7 …) years. We have to surrender our own plans for the plans of the One who knows better.

A Little Taste of Italy...

Wow! Let me tell you that God has blessed me immensely with loving family, great friends, and good food (hehe) ... well and safe travels of course. As I look through my own pictures I can't help but ask myself if that is really me posing in front of this or that building. "Am I really here," the question that kept playing through my mind. Before leaving to get on the plane people asked me if I was excited to go. That was hard for me to answer, not because I didn't want to go but because it didn't quite seem real. It seemed as if I was living someone else's life doing things someone else would do. But this has been my dream since I was little. I think I was 6 years old when someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told them I wanted to go to other countries and help people. Which is what I am on the path to do currently. Cultures, languages, religions, people, and history all fascinate me. Being in Rome where the history and culture is so thick is, well, almost unreal. My life still goes on day-by-day. I walk, eat, sleep, and breathe just like I would in Arkansas. Only, I'm not in Arkansas ... I'm nowhere near my family or closest friends. Yet, I don't feel very far way either.  It is the strangest feeling to have. This is my life, this is how I am supposed to live; off in some other country where I may or may not know the people I go to live amongst.

There is so much to be told about the 6 days I have spent in Rome and I will write about them, slowly, and tell you not only what I did and saw but what I learned from the culture, language, religion, people, and history. If I wrote it all at once you wouldn't want to read it; trust me, it would be really long. Just know this, everything (practically) that I have done since being here is new to me. So these posts will not be labelled like the rest of the "31 Day March" challenge but everyday has been something new and exciting.

I will tell you this, before I venture into posting and updating and whatnot, God continues to show me how much He loves me (not just me but this is my blog and what God is showing me so that is what I am sharing with you). He has provided constant protection, safe travels, lovely people, interesting situations, cultural sensitivity training (yes, even God reminds me to be sensitive to other cultures), and well... more than I can think of right now. There will not be a quiz or a test over this so don't feel like you have to read this or ask me about what I have been writing. There are so many things out there to see and do that I don't expect you to be part of every little thing I have done. Go, live your life!

This has probably been the biggest lesson of all. We only have one life to live, so why not start living it now.

Taking a Chance and Making Some Changes

For some reason, my whole life I have wanted to just uproot my life and travel the world. There is so much to be seen and so much to do outside of tiny city (compared to the rest of the world). This week I read an article or blog post or what-not titled Stop Delaying That Big Trip. Stop it. (click here to read it). Reading it made me really thankful for some recent changes in my life and  has encouraged me to look at some things in a different perspective. 

After I graduated high school in 2006 I went on a 1 week mission trip to Venezuela. Since then I have been dying to go back outside the country and never seemed to be able to go. The next two summers (2007 and 2008) I went on a Christian training project called Orlando Project with Campus Outreach. It was great but just fueled my desire to travel even more. We worked at Universal Studios our first summer and then we worked at Sea World (that summer we worked at a resort and it was AMAZING). I continued to meet people from all over the world everyday both summers. In 2008 I started working with international students. Once again, it just fueled the fire in my heart to drop everything I know and move thousands of miles away where I could see cultures, religions, and people for what they really are. So in November (2011) I started talking to a friend of mine who lives in Italy and decided in March I would go visit her. So in about 3 1/2 weeks I will be getting on a plane headed to Rome. There will be a few stops in other countries as I change planes (Canada, Germany, Italy, and Switzerland are all the airports I will be visiting). It is almost a thrill to know I am about to travel half way around the world with no plan. When I say no plan, I mean I have nothing scheduled; no meetings, no deadlines, nothing is required of me except to go and enjoy myself. I get a real vacation, I get to do what I have been waiting for my entire life. 

Most people are what is holding them back from their dreams. My friends know me as the safe one, the man with the plan. They know me as Business Bailey or Fanny Pack Mom. I am the one who doesn't take big risks or chances because there are so many things to be cautious of, but if we caution ourselves to the very point that we get in the way of ourselves we have lead very boring lives. Think about the craziest thing you have ever done. What was it? What did you do to get there? At this point of my life I have traveled outside the country without family and swam (and surfed) in shark infested waters (New Smyrna Beach, Florida is in the top 10 list for most shark attacks in the world), in 3 1/2 weeks I will be traveling out of the country completely alone for holiday. Reading the article I mentioned earlier, it brought up things I have heard others say and things I have said or thought to myself.

"If I don't do it now, I probably never will. - I couldn't live with that."

I too could not live with the fact that I have not done what I have always wanted to do, travel. So travel I will. My goal for 2012 is to travel outside the US twice. In March I will be going to Italy. Hopefully in May I will be going to India, if this trip does not work out I am all but begging my boss to let me go with the other recruiters to China. There are also some other trips I am looking into, but that is for another post another time. 

"To act as though traveling- especially when you're young - is some kind of insane luxury that is utterly unattainable unless the stars align perfectly and God hands you a couple hundred dollar bills while no one is looking is ludicrous."

With each new year comes new friends and new places and new-ness in general. I didn't make any new years resolutions or anything, however I did decide I am going to be myself and live more. These are two things I often forget to do because I have become so cautious of everything around me that taking chances pretty much went out the window. I viewed traveling as an "insane luxury that (was) utterly unattainable" until it suddenly hit me ... I am not married, have no kids, and nothing truly holding me back but myself. The adventurous spirit I once had was somehow gone. God did make it possible for me to go on this trip and continues to open doors for future travel. But I started making changes in my life to make this possible. If you want something you typically do something to make it work. Well, I decided to get certified to teach EFL (English as a Foreign Language) and finish my degree. This will allow me to eventually move outside of the country and travel to where the next job takes me. Told you, the adventurer in me is back :). 

“You’re so young. Go see the world, then come back and build your life."

So go, figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. You only get one, so choose to live it well and with purpose. 

For the most part, jumping out and taking the chance to do this has reminded me of what I want to do with life. God has made it very clear to me that my current city will not be my home forever. The US is not my home, and ultimately the Earth is not my home (not that I am going to live on Mars or anything). My heart is to move overseas to share the gospel and fulfill the purpose God has given me. 

Oh and don't you worry, I will be posting about my trip(s). :)

My Heart Belongs to a Stranger

It has been over a month since I have written anything not work or school related and it is hard to know where to start. My mind has been in overdrive the past couple of weeks and has caused me to be extremely exhausted about 85% of the time. Not fun, let me tell you! However, God has laid some things on my heart and putting pen to paper is a bit slower than typing. Currently my brain cannot handle slow; like I said it is in overdrive. The Lord has reminded me today that although I have not been spending as much time alone with Him as I would like, my heart still belongs to Him.

The Lord
My heart belongs to the Lord, first and foremost, yet it is the relationship I seem to be working at the least. The Lord is sadly becoming a stranger to me because I am slowly but surely lusting after the world (material things I don't need, laziness, etc.). He has given me a heart to work with women from other countries and share the Gospel with them, but in order to be useful I need to be spending time with Him. I have allowed myself to be extremely bogged down with school and work. Rather than take things at a slow pace I am rushing through to finish faster in order to be on a foreign mission field (tell you more about that in the next little segment). I have put my wants and desires ahead of those of the Lover of my soul. The one who paid a price so high I could never repay, He is the one I have neglected. My heart belongs to a stranger named Christ. He holds my heart no matter how close to Him or how far away from Him I make myself. He continues to show love and grace and mercy everyday, even though I do not deserve a single serving. He also reminds me of His love and promises in His own unique way; whether it be waking up to a much needed encouraging text from a sweet girl friend or through the rain (I <3 rain ... I really do).

I heard lyrics from a country song once that say, "she wants to love a stranger, but not the one at home." This song really has nothing to do with anything other than illustrating my point. My heart, I claim, belongs to Christ first; however, I have not been doing a very good job tending to this relationship. The relationship with the Lord is growing distant and cold, which is of no fault of my Lord. It is of my own fault that I have allowed this to happen. I have to fight my selfish desire to be lazy or do what I want to do (which currently means eating, sleeping, or completely vegging out in front of American Idol). If this were a relationship with a physical man of even a normal amount of patience ... I would be out of a relationship really fast! God has been merciful with me and is pulling me back into sweet fellowship with Him. This is not an easy road but definitely one worth taking. My prayer is to fall back into love/fellowship with the Stranger I call Lord, Savior, and Father.


The Mission Field
There is something about the unknown that allures my heart and deepens my desires. Working in another country with women from non-Christian, non-westernized backgrounds has been my desire since coming to know Christ in 2007. Almost instantly after coming to know the Lord, He made it very clear to me that this is what He wants me to do with the time He has alloted. Foreign missions is just that to me, foreign. Working with internationals all day Monday through Friday for the past 3 to 3 1/2 years has fed into the passion and desire I have to see them come to know the Lord. Yet, working with internationals in America is far different than that of working with them in their home countries. My heart belongs to a stranger I call Lord and to that of the mission field. I know and understand not what it takes to work day-in and day-out in another country loving and serving them and learning new ways to die to self (also learning I am not good at dying to self).

Since I love this and day dream of this and often look at jobs in which I can do this, I have put my education in rush mode. I have also increased the amount of debt I have by taking on more loans to pay for this rushed education.  Along with the Lord telling me to do foreign missions, He also let me know He wants me to go overseas debt free. This came a year or two after coming to know Christ. When I was spending TAWG (Time Alone With God ... cheesy but it works, just saying) I came across a couple of passages that basically put me in pause mode for quite sometime (Proverbs 22:26-27 and Romans 13:8). After reading these I did not feel the least bit comfortable with going overseas with debt. The Lord has been kind enough to give me a job that allows me to "put my money where my mouth is" and labor daily with the students until He calls me abroad. My heart belongs to a stranger ... the mission field (this I day dream and wish for about as much as young girls dream and wish for husbands and weddings).


These are the two largest areas built up in my heart. There are others but time does not allow to write about them this evening. My goal or wish or whatever for 2012 is to travel as much as I can. Which, as I see it, is traveling outside the US at least twice. In March, I will be going to Rome, Italy and I am almost certain everyone and "they mama" in my life knows I am going. Excited much? Why heck yes I am! A few other goals include growing closer to the Lord (spending TAWG daily), graduating (currently looks like December), and learning how to use chopsticks (this is silly but true ... ask my friend Nakeli, she tried to teach me and it is harder than it looks).

Trivial Pursuit

As women we crave to be loved, cared for, held, and valued. We want to be told we are pretty and we want to feel pretty when we are around men. God made us to be different from men for a reason. Women have the role or responsibility to respond to men. Men have the role or responsibility to initiate to women (talking about initiating relationships here). God gave all things a particular order for a reason. To be honest, as a single and rather independent woman I have problems with His order occasionally. And yes, by occasionally I mean usually. I am in the trade of heart breaking, you see. Not the hearts of men, but rather my own heart over and over and over again. Sadly it is a repeating cycle, many times the poor man is unsuspecting and has no idea that I am taking a hammer with a pretty little picture of his face on it and shattering my own heart. Why do I do this? Well, not for fun… that is for sure. This is because I am going outside of God’s designed order and trying to create my own. I am basically saying that waiting for God’s best is taking to long and well, I’ll take that one. Then I realize I have made a mistake and not obeyed Christ and have, once again, shattered my own heart. I am left to pick up the pieces and bring them back to God and with tear filled eyes am begging Him to glue my heart back together.

When I go outside of God’s designed order I mess everything up, not that God cannot bless it, but because it is not what He has intended for me. (Mind you, He is not shocked that I am doing this … He knows all things and knows that I am a major screw up). God made men to want to be the leader. He made them to be the head of the household. When we as women go and try to lead, even by asking a man out on a date, it screws the whole thing up. I have used the excuse, “how will he know I like him back if I don’t show him in some way?” Well, asking him out is not the way to do that … that is for darn sure! When we put the metaphorical “pants” on in that relationship the guy begins to feel as if they are no longer needed as the leader and they fall in to passivity. That is not the way things were intended to be.   

“You see when God created male and female He created an object lesson a parable as it where of His entire redemptive plan. Manhood and womanhood, gender, sex, marriage all of those are mini lessons that proclaim the gospel. And when we talk about seeing Christ in the Old Testament we see Christ even in His creation of who He created us to be as male and female. The reason history started with God creating a man and a woman and a marriage, the reason it started with a man, a woman, and a marriage is because it is going to end with a man, a woman, and a marriage. That’s why! It will end when Christ the bridegroom is united with His bride the church and the two become one. This marriage will be consummated throughout eternity. That’s why we have male and female, it’s not about me, it’s not about my husband, and it’s not about you as men and women. It’s about displaying a story. We tell a story by virtue of how we live our lives as men and women.”

 - Mary Kassian, the Gospel Coalition, the Feminist Mistake.

There is much more to God’s design then us as women not being allowed to ask a man out on a date or take control of the relationship. God designed it to be a representation of Christ and the love He has for His bride. Honestly, everything comes back to the gospel so this should come as no surprise that marriage is a picture of the gospel. Christ loved the church so much that He was willing to lay His life down for her. When your boyfriend or fiancé or husband thinks that you might be in danger, what do they do? They run to the rescue no matter the cost, even if it may cost them their life. They love you enough to lay their life down for you. It is the gospel.

“We tell the story of the gospel with who we are as male and female. We uphold the gospel and that’s why it matters. … That is why gender is at the epicenter of the battle right now. Because if Satan can mar the image of male and female, what he is maring and what he is obscuring and what he is twisting is the story of the gospel and the display of the gospel.”

 - Mary Kassian, the Gospel Coalition, the Feminist Mistake

Does that not shake you up, even just a little? “If Satan can mar the image of male and female, what he is maring and what he is obscuring and what he is twisting is the story of the gospel and the display of the gospel.” There have been many times I have been so curious to know how a guy feels about me that I have wanted to scream and I have wanted to march right up to the man and say, “what the heck is going on here?” or even “what the heck are we?” Yet, I forget somehow if he likes me and if it is what God has planned, God will tell that guy we need to have a conversation and we need to figure things out. Now, I am not saying that we should be pulled around like little puppies on a string forever not knowing and being allowed to be led on, but I am saying if we trivialize what God has set up then we are messing with the whole process. God has set up the gender roles for a reason, even if we don’t like them. The grass is always greener on the other side.

This makes me think about every time I have liked a guy, and then have had my little heart crushed (unsuspected by him) when I find out he doesn’t like me back, or he has another girl in mind that he would like to pursue. There is nothing wrong with liking a member of the opposite sex, but when we take that and turn it into something far more we open ourselves up to heartbreak. When we do not let men be men we are taking away from what God has designed. Here is another personal example (no names used here). I have had many guy friends over the years. During college I can name and count the guys I have had crushes on and how I ended up breaking my own heart when they trusted me with the secret of who they were praying to pursue or finding out I am not the apple of this or that guy’s eye. Yeah, not an easy thing to deal with, but there are more than I want to mention and most of those guys don’t even know that they are “those” guys. When we try to take matters into our own hands and ignore the council given to us, God allows us to fall down. Even though we fall down, He is right there to pick us back up. He does not want us to trivialize the pursuit He has put in place. He sought us out and wants the men to seek us out as well.

Let men be men and let them be the ones to pursue. I write this mainly as a reminder to myself but also to those who are always wishing that this guy or that guy would like them or want to be their boyfriend or what not. It all pretty much boils down to contentment. When we are not content in where God has us we are much less likely to trust Him. When we do not trust Him we are trusting in something else, most likely ourselves. This means that we have made ourselves our own god. Let me tell you, we are not very good gods, that is why God is God. All of that to say, when we do not trust God and we trust ourselves we do what we want to get a result, even if it is not the one we want. In my case (in the past) I wanted to know so badly if this or that guy liked me so I would have other guy friends find out who that guy liked (this would be after months of being agonized by liking whoever the guy was). Yeah, it would come as a huge shock when it wasn’t me. Sometimes I would pray for months that God would show me how the guy felt, when I found out it wasn’t the same as me … well you get the point. God has a specific plan and when we try to make our own plan and ignore His, we get hurt.

Are you content or are you trying to make things happen for yourself?

Faithful Obedience

God’s word never ceases to teach me something new. No matter how many times I read over a particular section there is always something new to learn. In August of this year I decided I wanted to go through and re-read the Bible. It took me a year and a half (ish … maybe longer) to do it the last time so I decided to do it again. Well I finally made it to Numbers and if you have ever tried to read Numbers you know it is not necessarily the easiest to read. Yet, something about the Old Testament pulls me in and makes me excited to read more and to know more about what is being presented. My pastor calls himself a Old Testament nerd and I have come to find that I too love it dearly. I love the whole Bible but I really like knowing how everything came to be.

There are many cases in Numbers where the Israelites are obedient and show this in various ways, however, this is one of my favorite ways in which it is shown. In Numbers 9 I have seen what it truly looks like to trust God. I mean to really trust God. God told Moses when he and the people were to camp and when they were to travel. The people did exactly what they were told. We are not told if the people complained or if they drug their feet on hitting the road, all we are told is that they obeyed. So I take it like it is, the Israelites obeyed what God told them to do. If there was a cloud covering the Tabernacle they were to camp and stay where they were, they knew they would eventually be moving but they did not know how long they were going to be camped where they where or where they were going. They knew they were called to obedience. If the cloud was lifted from the Tabernacle they knew they were to pack up and head out.

“At the command of the Lord the people of Israel set out, and at the command of the Lord they camped. As long as the cloud rested over the tabernacle, they camped.”

~Numbers 9:18

The second half of verse 18 really gets me, “As long as the cloud rested over the tabernacle, they camped.” They really had no idea how long they were going to be there. That is amazing to me! I have a hard time waiting when I know how long I am going to be waiting, it is especially hard to wait on things when I have no idea when they are going to happen. From chapter 9 verse 15-23 it continues to repeat that the people were called to obedience and they obeyed. In scripture, as in other books (such as textbooks), repetition means REMEMBER THIS or KNOW THIS! Numbers 9 is no different. The repetition here tells me that we may not know how long God has us “camping” out in a certain area but we are called to obedience. We are to be where He has us, even if we do not like it very much. God has us where we are for a reason.

Here is a personal example of this whole idea of being where He has us even if I do not like what He has me doing. I love working with and ministering to international students. God has given me a very unique opportunity to work directly with over 1,000 students from other countries. My hearts desire is to live and work directly with them in their own countries. However, God has me camping out in the US for a while. I have no idea how long He is going to have me here. Yet I know He has a plan for my life and He knows far better than I. So as much as I want to be a bazillion miles away in another country I remain here doing what He has called me to do here. He has called me to obedience. Obedience in this situation means seeking Him daily and growing closer to Him.  That when He does lift the cloud and have me move from this camp to the next I cannot say I have wasted my time wishing I was somewhere else.

The Israelites were obedient beyond my comprehension. They did exactly what God told them to do. It was like the endurance version of the game Red Light, Green Light. They couldn’t really look to what was ahead because they had no specifics. God continued giving them reason to trust Him. We live in a society that teaches us to be independent and to look to ourselves only for everything we need. So as a Christian in this day and age a common struggle seems to be that of putting our full trust and obedience in Christ. God shows His faithfulness throughout His word but also everyday. He reminds us of the promise to take care of our needs with the rain. He reminds us of the promise He will not destroy the Earth again with floods by the rainbow after the rain. He reminds us of His love by giving us another chance everyday. He also promises to return someday and reminds us of this by death of people, plants, and animals. He reminds us daily of His promises and of our role. It is up to us to trust and obey. (Yes, I just used an old hymn reference … good luck getting that out of your head). 

Wreck Me Righteous

Everyone has a story to tell. Some stories seem better than others because of detail or even the way they are told. Here is the story of how I came to know the Lord and some of the events that led up to that point.God is doing and is continuing to do many things in my life.
I grew up in a “Christian” home. My grandfather was a Baptist preacher, nana played the piano at church and was a good strong Christian woman. My parents always went to church but their relationship with each other definitely did not reflect what they said they believed. When I was 10 I walked down the isle of a tiny little Baptist church in a little bitty town. A week later I was baptized. However, those two events sadly meant nothing in my life. I was playing church at the age of 10. I thought I was safe because of praying a little prayer and walking a little isle so I wouldn’t go to hell. My life showed no reflection of what I claimed to believe. Honestly I do not believe I came to Christ until my freshman year of college. My life between 10 years of age and my freshman year (18 years of age) was spent living for myself and everything I could do to be pretty and cool and have the greatest boyfriend and etc. When I was in high school I dated a guy for about 3 months, we began talking about marriage. It freaked him out. He was not ready to settle down or do anything like that. For the most part I thought we had a moral relationship because we were not sleeping together. We did other things that very well could have led into that, yet there was strangely always a stopping point. That is sad but awesome, because even that shows God trying to protect me from something I did not understand. He called everything off. As hard as it was for me I thought, “he will come back.” The next week was the winter formal at my high school. I went with a group of girls. That night when the 3 of us left we left with 2 guys. One of the girls said she had to go home early, so we let her go. The other girl received a phone call from her mother telling her she had to come home immediately. Her mom had a bad feeling about us being out and she wanted her home right away. So we took the girl home. I thought we were going to IHOP or Waffle House, that is what the guys told my mom we were doing. We continued to drive around for a little bit and the guys decided to stop at a gas station. When we parked, the guy driving turned around, looked at me, and said “so you have a choice.” This was a normal thing. He would pretty much play the would you rather game or the ultimatum game. This time was different. He said, “you have two options. One, have sex with me or two, walk home.” I was shocked. That had not crossed my mind with him at all.
About 4 months earlier I made the mistake of having sex with a football player. I did not enjoy it and hate to admit that I even did that. When this guy found out about it he was furious that having dated him off and on I had never slept with him. He decided to change that. He repeated his words “have sex with me or walk home.” I didn’t want to choose either option, I wanted out of the whole game. By this time he had stepped out of the car and walked back to my door. He opened the door and grabbed my arm. “Have sex with me or walk home,” I looked at the guy in the passenger seat. I will never forget the look on his face. No one has ever had that look of fear in their eyes, well at least not that I had ever seen. The guy in the passenger seat took out a $5 bill and said “just go in. Go in and buy what you need. Just do it.” My eyes kept shifting back and forth. I didn’t know what to do. I finally told them I would go in but I was taking my phone with me so I could pretend to be on it and feel less awkward. He allowed me to do so. I called every person in my phone except my parents. Only one person answered, it was a friend’s mother. I couldn’t bear to tell her what was happening, I simply apologized for the late night phone call and hung up. I proceeded to buy a box of condoms and went back to the vehicle. The guy was waiting in the back seat and his friend was now in the driver seat. It was the longest walk back to the first parking space EVER. I got in and he proceeded to rape me. I cried. I just kept saying “please take me home…please just take me home.” He eventually got tired of hearing me say that and stopped. His friend had turned the radio up loud so he didn’t have to hear what was going on. The guy climbed in the front seat being so frustrated I would not just let him “enjoy” what was happening. He told the guy to just take me home. He did. That was one of the hardest things to overcome in coming to Christ. I could not believe that God would allow such a thing to happen and still be considered a loving God. My rape wrecked my view of God. I began to drink, buy drugs (didn’t take them…too big of a chicken, thank God), and race cars. I wanted to be a rebel. I acted out and was punished for my actions. The next year I decided to be little miss smarty pants. I took the hardest classes the school offered and was the president of a political club. Then when that didn’t work out I signed up for a mission trip to Venezuela. It was amazing. God did all sorts of things there and I would love to go back if given the chance.
In the fall I started college. God began working in me. The first day living on campus I met a group of students who were part of a campus ministry called Campus Outreach. One of the girls on my floor started a flag football team as well as a Bible study. I would go to parties but had no desire to drink. I was a busy body, doing anything and everything I could to be around people. I went to the Bible study, was on the flag football team, went to weekly Campus Outreach meetings, went to the BCM, went to fraternity parties, church, hung out in the school cafeteria more than I went to class, and etc. The next spring, He revealed to me how great He is and how I do not need the things of this world to be satisfied. I was not being satisfied because I did not have Him. He showed me that although I had been raped 2 years prior He could use that for His glory. He in no way desires bad things to happen to His children, just like any good father (Matthew 7). He knew that it would happen. Satan has to ask God’s permission before doing anything to His people (read Job…great example). God allowed this wretched thing in my life because He had (has) a plan to use it for His glory and to make His name great among the nations. He in no way wants me to make my own name great, rather His name is to be proclaimed through out the nations (Matthew 28:18-20).
God has given me the desire to share with anyone that breathes and does/does not know Him. Criteria, if they are breathing, hearing, and human…share with them. My goal in life is to make Christ’s name great among the world. He has given me a heart to go to another country to live for Him. He has me here right now for a reason. Because of past mistakes and taking out loans for college I am now tied to the U.S. financially until at least 2013. Until that time He has not allowed me to leave Jonesboro for more than 7 days (seriously … it is kind of funny and frustrating at the same time). God has a plan for me that will far exceed my plans for me. All I have to do is submit to Him and follow Him where He leads. I may not fully comprehend what He wants me to do, but I shall do it anyway .
God had to completely wreck me to put me on a path of righteousness. This seems to be a common theme with God though. A quote from the movie Eat, Pray, Love, "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation." While I do not agree where she was going with the statement in the movie I wrote it down because it reminds me of how God has worked in my own life. He had to ruin me and show me that I was absolutely nothing compared to His greatness. II Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." We have to be transformed to become Christ-like. To be transformed we must change completely who we were to something new. God has to wreck us of who we were to make us into "little Christ's"... I am content with being wrecked righteous.

The Things of This World

“But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.”
--I Timothy 6:6-9

My friends and I have this joke about me leaving the state of Arkansas. It seems as if the past 2 years God has not allowed me to leave for more than 7 days at a time. I had an opportunity to be apart of a mission team going to Indonesia for 8 weeks. The next year I began praying about moving to another state to pursue a short-term degree in culinary arts. Then later that year I began to pray about an opportunity to be apart of a mission team going to Brazil for 12 days. There are many other things I have been able to do. However, all of those things had to be 7 days or less. Today I jokingly asked a friend if she thought God would allow me to move out of the US sooner than what we originally expect, that expectation is roughly 4-5 years from now. The whole point of me asking the question had to do with the fact a co-worker and I began looking at pictures Peace Corps volunteers had taken over the years. My heart immediately went out to all of the people in those countries. Many of them have no idea who Christ is, those that do have misconstrued ideas of who He really is. Many believe Jesus was a prophet or a very moral person. God has placed something on my heart that has been there since the time I came to know Him. However, lately He is pressing it on my heart. I cannot be content with the things of this culture, nor can things of this world satisfy me. He does not let me forget that this world is not meant to be my home. My home is with my Father in heaven.
I have no reason to be concerned with things of this world. There is nothing here that I can take with me when I die, except for the salvation that is given to me by Christ Himself. The Lord has placed upon my heart to not be worried about cars or money or higher education or expensive things. I am concerned with the souls of those around me. God has given me a unique opportunity to work with over 900 people from 68 different countries. Hearing about the way a majority of people live in the countries that are represented makes me extremely sad. For the most part I do not know anyone from those type of areas, the people in the US from other countries are here because they can afford to be here (I am referring to the students I work with). It breaks my heart to see so many girls more worried about how well their hair and make up are done and what they are wearing to this or that party. It makes me sad to hear the amount of money spent every year at fast food chains. It tears me up to know that we chose to forget about the rest of the world when so many are perishing without know who Christ is. We are leaving them without clean water to drink; yet we have indoor water parks. We leave them without food to eat; yet we buy groceries and forget about them two days later. We leave them with no hope, dying in various parts of the world from things we do not take the time to educate them about. We are no better than they, we have the answers and do not share. I am speaking to myself here. There are so many ways that I could be helping and chose not to.
God has allowed our country to have access to some of the most amazing resources, wealth, knowledge, etc. Our poor are wealthier than the rest of the worlds poor. A friend was telling me about a guy taking a poll in soup kitchens. He walks into a soup kitchen and asks everyone in the room “how many of you have cable television?” Every person in the room raised their hand. All of these people could avoid the soup kitchen if they simply did away with cable. However, we as a whole would much rather try and keep up with the Jones’ than feed the hungry, clothe the naked, share the water, and educate those who have no chance. We are a self-centered people. Our everyday choices show this.
We are so wrapped up in sports and big cars and new computers and the latest phone and the nicest house in the subdivision. God has not allowed me to be content with these things. Last year I bought an iPhone. I just “had” to have it. Honestly, I thought I deserved it, I thought all of MY hard work and MY hard earned money had earned ME a new phone. From the time I bought it until the time I sold it, that thing was a lemon! I bought it with selfish intent and it showed. My work began to take over my life. I would answer emails at 2 am (or whenever my phone would beep and tell me I had an email). I was constantly holding on to that thing, I could not let it go. It was more important to me then…well…almost any other thing. That is called idolatry. My phone was my idol. How dumb is that?! Well, a friend helped me sell it. Which was awesome because it sold for 3 times what I paid for it. Apparently it was “worth” more than I thought, monetarily anyway. God used that instance in my life to show me a phone is a piece of junk. No matter what type of phone I own, I will not be taking it with me when I die. No matter what car I drive (if any) and no matter what clothes I wear. He has not allowed me to be content with the things of this world.
God is the only thing that matters in this world. We, as Christians, seem to be the first to forget that we were not made to impress those around us. Not even other people, God does not want us to try and impress Him either. He can see straight through everything we think, say, and do. He knows us completely. He knows more about us than we could know about ourselves. We are selling ourselves short. If we live only to keep up with the Jones’ we are missing the point of life…
Are you missing the point of life? Think about what your daily thoughts, words, and actions say about what you believe. Are you truly living out what God has called you to? Do you value God more than you value your possessions?

**Please know that I am not saying you should go sell your phone, car, clothes, etc. because you are “unspiritual” for having them. These are just the things that God has shown me.**

How Great is Our God?

There is nothing like knowing how big our Father is. Last night as I was coming back from running a few errands I noticed a quarter of the moon and a single star above it. Tonight when I was coming back from a friends’ apartment I again noticed the moon and a single star to the right of it. As I was driving I was thinking about how amazing God really is, it made me giddy and excited. Knowing that He has placed every star in its place and given every star a name. So if He can do something so miraculous as make a star. Not just the “twinkle twinkle” kind but the big blazing unimaginable group of stars that perfectly form a constellation. Our God is so much bigger than we chose to see. We so rarely chose to see that God created the very things before our eyes. He has created the simple things we see everyday like flowers and grass and trees and clouds. We take advantage of the fact that He has given each and everyone of those things a purpose. He has created the sea life in the depths of the seas that we still have no idea exists. Everything has been created for a purpose whether we acknowledge or even have knowledge of what that purpose is. So the great thing is that we can gather from the above blurb is that He must have a purpose for each and everyone of us. We may have no idea what He plans on using us for, but we know that if we are His He has a plan. “He has planned and who can frustrate it” (not quite sure of the reference on this one but you can google it and find it. –Jeremiah 29:11 is good too).
So if He has a plan for us and we are not sure what that is, what are we to do? This is something that I ask myself quite often. I am not sure where He wants me so I stay put doing the same thing until I am led by Him to do something further. Jeremiah 29:13 says “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” So I began to seek Him in different areas of my life. Everyone of them included leaving where I am now. I sought Him on culinary school, missions in one country, then in another, then for extended missions, and so on and so forth. Everytime a door was shut. But then I had to realize that His plans are not my plans and His thoughts are not my thoughts. In knowing we have a plan from the Almighty God of heaven and of earth our purpose in life has been set out for us in scripture as a guideline until He gives us further instruction. The instruction He has placed in His word should be the framework for what we think His leading is for our lives. If what we think is a leading from God is not scripturally accurate then we can discredit the leading. It is black and white, there are no blurred lines here. So in His intricately planned lives for each of us we should stop a bit more and not only smell the roses but thank God for the simple fact that He created them. We should thank Him for the very things we take for granted each day: sun light, moon light, stars, grass, flowers, His word, and the list goes on and on for days (oh and you can thank Him for each day He has given you because you never know how many more you will have).
Our passion for Him should not be hidden because we fear what others might think but we should openly confess Him and show others our belief in Him. This is not to show them that we are superior in any way, but so that they might know Him as well. Isaiah 59:1 says “The Lord’s hand is not so short that it cannot save and His ear not so dull that it cannot hear.” He can save anyone, anywhere, any way. He is God. He has allowed us the opportunity to confess or deny Him. He has made us in such a way that we are completely and totally different from every other living thing in this world. Remember the stars and the way they are placed. Remember He has placed you in a specific place at a specific time for a specific reason. Why should you not be thankful to Him for all He has done? How dare we live our lives as selfishly as we do! We should be on our knees every chance we get thanking Him and praising Him and laying glory down at His feet in worship as if it were the most expensive thing to be obtained. The Israelites, throughout the entire Old Testament , would live a rollercoaster lifestyle. They would be mindful of God and worship Him and then they would forget who their God was and make idols out of the blessings God would give them. We are so much like the Old Testament Israelites and have no idea at all. The God of the universe has created all things great and small. Are you going to chose to recognize those things and give Him thankful praises to glorify His name higher than the heavens?