Things that make me mad... yes I am going to write about this because it angers me to see things like this happen.
Reading an article today about and Afghan woman being jailed for a "moral crime," the crime you ask? She was raped and became pregnant. She gave birth while in prison. Yes, this really happened. You may have already heard about this, as I am a little behind on things going on in the news these days. But if you haven't here is a link to the article (Click Here). She was pardoned and freed only after agreeing to marry the man who had committed such a heinous crime against her. My thought on this is "that has to be an awful marriage." Can you imagine the distrust and the amount of hatred that is running through the veins of this woman.
Think about if this was you... no seriously, think about it. Your life as you know it stops because you are raped. Then you go to jail because you are considered to be the immoral one here. Then you find out you are pregnant as a result of the whole ordeal. So not only did this happen to you but now you have to carry a baby from an unwanted act against you. You find out after having the baby that you are going to be released from prison on the condition that you marry the man who did this to you and whose baby you had. Now think, how would you feel? How would you feel living day in and day out in a house with this very man? How would you feel living with someone you are supposed to love when you can barely look at them without thinking terrible things about? Put yourself in her shoes long enough to realize that she deals with that pain everyday.
The government in her country sees this as her problem and not the mans. That is what makes me mad. It makes me mad that she is not able to be seen as a victim long enough for her to get help. It also makes me mad that she is probably not the first that this has happened to and she is most definitely not the last.
Having personal experience with this, let me tell you ... living in the same city with the person and being fearful of running into them in public (which happened ... recently - I'll get there in a few words). I never reported what happened to me to police or anyone really. I actually didn't even tell my family about it until last year. It is no longer an open wound, it is a scar. Open wounds hurt ... all the time. When they start scabbing over, what do you do? You peal the scab off. Why? No one knows, it is just a compulsion. You just do it, making your scab an open wound again. No matter what you do to try and cover it up, your open wound is still there. It still hurts and it still haunts you. Once the scab begins to become so much of your skin that you forget it is a scab you stop picking at it as much, but you look at it and still remember why it is there and how it happened and when and exactly what you were doing when it happened. Same way with scars. Scars don't hurt anymore, the memory may hurt for a little while and when you tell the story you may tear up, but you never relive that moment exactly how it happens. Time does heal, just as time heals a physical open wound/scab. This has become a scar. Yet every time I read a story or see a news report about this type of thing happening to women it breaks my heart. I feel for them in a way that some cannot. I do not like that I can relate in that way, yet those are the cards God has metaphorically laid out for me. I have since forgiven said man, but it is still a scar.
A couple of weeks ago a few of us went out to a local pizza place (very near to the 7 year rememiversary - as I call it... don't like calling it an anniversary because it is not something enjoyable to remember). While we were waiting for our table in walks the guy and his family. I started shaking and couldn't catch my breath. I told a girl that was with us, because I needed to tell someone. I just couldn't bear that one alone. He was standing maybe 10 feet away from us. I couldn't look at him. I knew he couldn't do anything to me and not that I thought that he would try. Right after he walked in, one of my guy friends walked in behind him and his family. My friend actually ended up standing where it blocked my view of the guy. My heart raced the entire time we were at dinner. His family was seated before our group, when we were seated I sat where my back was faced to their table and couldn't focus on that the entire time we were there. Even though I have forgiven him, the scar is still there. I still remember what happened, where I was, what I was thinking ... I remember.
This woman is forced to live with the man who attacked her. I cannot imagine the things this woman has gone through or what she is still going through this very day. No one can really understand her pain unless you are living through it. My momentary run in with him has nothing on her everyday life. She doesn't have a chance for this to become a scar, it is forever an open wound.
Really gives you something to think about, doesn't it.
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Friday, January 6, 2012
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wreck Me Righteous
Everyone has a story to tell. Some stories seem better than others because of detail or even the way they are told. Here is the story of how I came to know the Lord and some of the events that led up to that point.God is doing and is continuing to do many things in my life.
I grew up in a “Christian” home. My grandfather was a Baptist preacher, nana played the piano at church and was a good strong Christian woman. My parents always went to church but their relationship with each other definitely did not reflect what they said they believed. When I was 10 I walked down the isle of a tiny little Baptist church in a little bitty town. A week later I was baptized. However, those two events sadly meant nothing in my life. I was playing church at the age of 10. I thought I was safe because of praying a little prayer and walking a little isle so I wouldn’t go to hell. My life showed no reflection of what I claimed to believe. Honestly I do not believe I came to Christ until my freshman year of college. My life between 10 years of age and my freshman year (18 years of age) was spent living for myself and everything I could do to be pretty and cool and have the greatest boyfriend and etc. When I was in high school I dated a guy for about 3 months, we began talking about marriage. It freaked him out. He was not ready to settle down or do anything like that. For the most part I thought we had a moral relationship because we were not sleeping together. We did other things that very well could have led into that, yet there was strangely always a stopping point. That is sad but awesome, because even that shows God trying to protect me from something I did not understand. He called everything off. As hard as it was for me I thought, “he will come back.” The next week was the winter formal at my high school. I went with a group of girls. That night when the 3 of us left we left with 2 guys. One of the girls said she had to go home early, so we let her go. The other girl received a phone call from her mother telling her she had to come home immediately. Her mom had a bad feeling about us being out and she wanted her home right away. So we took the girl home. I thought we were going to IHOP or Waffle House, that is what the guys told my mom we were doing. We continued to drive around for a little bit and the guys decided to stop at a gas station. When we parked, the guy driving turned around, looked at me, and said “so you have a choice.” This was a normal thing. He would pretty much play the would you rather game or the ultimatum game. This time was different. He said, “you have two options. One, have sex with me or two, walk home.” I was shocked. That had not crossed my mind with him at all.
About 4 months earlier I made the mistake of having sex with a football player. I did not enjoy it and hate to admit that I even did that. When this guy found out about it he was furious that having dated him off and on I had never slept with him. He decided to change that. He repeated his words “have sex with me or walk home.” I didn’t want to choose either option, I wanted out of the whole game. By this time he had stepped out of the car and walked back to my door. He opened the door and grabbed my arm. “Have sex with me or walk home,” I looked at the guy in the passenger seat. I will never forget the look on his face. No one has ever had that look of fear in their eyes, well at least not that I had ever seen. The guy in the passenger seat took out a $5 bill and said “just go in. Go in and buy what you need. Just do it.” My eyes kept shifting back and forth. I didn’t know what to do. I finally told them I would go in but I was taking my phone with me so I could pretend to be on it and feel less awkward. He allowed me to do so. I called every person in my phone except my parents. Only one person answered, it was a friend’s mother. I couldn’t bear to tell her what was happening, I simply apologized for the late night phone call and hung up. I proceeded to buy a box of condoms and went back to the vehicle. The guy was waiting in the back seat and his friend was now in the driver seat. It was the longest walk back to the first parking space EVER. I got in and he proceeded to rape me. I cried. I just kept saying “please take me home…please just take me home.” He eventually got tired of hearing me say that and stopped. His friend had turned the radio up loud so he didn’t have to hear what was going on. The guy climbed in the front seat being so frustrated I would not just let him “enjoy” what was happening. He told the guy to just take me home. He did. That was one of the hardest things to overcome in coming to Christ. I could not believe that God would allow such a thing to happen and still be considered a loving God. My rape wrecked my view of God. I began to drink, buy drugs (didn’t take them…too big of a chicken, thank God), and race cars. I wanted to be a rebel. I acted out and was punished for my actions. The next year I decided to be little miss smarty pants. I took the hardest classes the school offered and was the president of a political club. Then when that didn’t work out I signed up for a mission trip to Venezuela. It was amazing. God did all sorts of things there and I would love to go back if given the chance.
In the fall I started college. God began working in me. The first day living on campus I met a group of students who were part of a campus ministry called Campus Outreach. One of the girls on my floor started a flag football team as well as a Bible study. I would go to parties but had no desire to drink. I was a busy body, doing anything and everything I could to be around people. I went to the Bible study, was on the flag football team, went to weekly Campus Outreach meetings, went to the BCM, went to fraternity parties, church, hung out in the school cafeteria more than I went to class, and etc. The next spring, He revealed to me how great He is and how I do not need the things of this world to be satisfied. I was not being satisfied because I did not have Him. He showed me that although I had been raped 2 years prior He could use that for His glory. He in no way desires bad things to happen to His children, just like any good father (Matthew 7). He knew that it would happen. Satan has to ask God’s permission before doing anything to His people (read Job…great example). God allowed this wretched thing in my life because He had (has) a plan to use it for His glory and to make His name great among the nations. He in no way wants me to make my own name great, rather His name is to be proclaimed through out the nations (Matthew 28:18-20).
God has given me the desire to share with anyone that breathes and does/does not know Him. Criteria, if they are breathing, hearing, and human…share with them. My goal in life is to make Christ’s name great among the world. He has given me a heart to go to another country to live for Him. He has me here right now for a reason. Because of past mistakes and taking out loans for college I am now tied to the U.S. financially until at least 2013. Until that time He has not allowed me to leave Jonesboro for more than 7 days (seriously … it is kind of funny and frustrating at the same time). God has a plan for me that will far exceed my plans for me. All I have to do is submit to Him and follow Him where He leads. I may not fully comprehend what He wants me to do, but I shall do it anyway .
God had to completely wreck me to put me on a path of righteousness. This seems to be a common theme with God though. A quote from the movie Eat, Pray, Love, "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation." While I do not agree where she was going with the statement in the movie I wrote it down because it reminds me of how God has worked in my own life. He had to ruin me and show me that I was absolutely nothing compared to His greatness. II Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." We have to be transformed to become Christ-like. To be transformed we must change completely who we were to something new. God has to wreck us of who we were to make us into "little Christ's"... I am content with being wrecked righteous.
I grew up in a “Christian” home. My grandfather was a Baptist preacher, nana played the piano at church and was a good strong Christian woman. My parents always went to church but their relationship with each other definitely did not reflect what they said they believed. When I was 10 I walked down the isle of a tiny little Baptist church in a little bitty town. A week later I was baptized. However, those two events sadly meant nothing in my life. I was playing church at the age of 10. I thought I was safe because of praying a little prayer and walking a little isle so I wouldn’t go to hell. My life showed no reflection of what I claimed to believe. Honestly I do not believe I came to Christ until my freshman year of college. My life between 10 years of age and my freshman year (18 years of age) was spent living for myself and everything I could do to be pretty and cool and have the greatest boyfriend and etc. When I was in high school I dated a guy for about 3 months, we began talking about marriage. It freaked him out. He was not ready to settle down or do anything like that. For the most part I thought we had a moral relationship because we were not sleeping together. We did other things that very well could have led into that, yet there was strangely always a stopping point. That is sad but awesome, because even that shows God trying to protect me from something I did not understand. He called everything off. As hard as it was for me I thought, “he will come back.” The next week was the winter formal at my high school. I went with a group of girls. That night when the 3 of us left we left with 2 guys. One of the girls said she had to go home early, so we let her go. The other girl received a phone call from her mother telling her she had to come home immediately. Her mom had a bad feeling about us being out and she wanted her home right away. So we took the girl home. I thought we were going to IHOP or Waffle House, that is what the guys told my mom we were doing. We continued to drive around for a little bit and the guys decided to stop at a gas station. When we parked, the guy driving turned around, looked at me, and said “so you have a choice.” This was a normal thing. He would pretty much play the would you rather game or the ultimatum game. This time was different. He said, “you have two options. One, have sex with me or two, walk home.” I was shocked. That had not crossed my mind with him at all.
About 4 months earlier I made the mistake of having sex with a football player. I did not enjoy it and hate to admit that I even did that. When this guy found out about it he was furious that having dated him off and on I had never slept with him. He decided to change that. He repeated his words “have sex with me or walk home.” I didn’t want to choose either option, I wanted out of the whole game. By this time he had stepped out of the car and walked back to my door. He opened the door and grabbed my arm. “Have sex with me or walk home,” I looked at the guy in the passenger seat. I will never forget the look on his face. No one has ever had that look of fear in their eyes, well at least not that I had ever seen. The guy in the passenger seat took out a $5 bill and said “just go in. Go in and buy what you need. Just do it.” My eyes kept shifting back and forth. I didn’t know what to do. I finally told them I would go in but I was taking my phone with me so I could pretend to be on it and feel less awkward. He allowed me to do so. I called every person in my phone except my parents. Only one person answered, it was a friend’s mother. I couldn’t bear to tell her what was happening, I simply apologized for the late night phone call and hung up. I proceeded to buy a box of condoms and went back to the vehicle. The guy was waiting in the back seat and his friend was now in the driver seat. It was the longest walk back to the first parking space EVER. I got in and he proceeded to rape me. I cried. I just kept saying “please take me home…please just take me home.” He eventually got tired of hearing me say that and stopped. His friend had turned the radio up loud so he didn’t have to hear what was going on. The guy climbed in the front seat being so frustrated I would not just let him “enjoy” what was happening. He told the guy to just take me home. He did. That was one of the hardest things to overcome in coming to Christ. I could not believe that God would allow such a thing to happen and still be considered a loving God. My rape wrecked my view of God. I began to drink, buy drugs (didn’t take them…too big of a chicken, thank God), and race cars. I wanted to be a rebel. I acted out and was punished for my actions. The next year I decided to be little miss smarty pants. I took the hardest classes the school offered and was the president of a political club. Then when that didn’t work out I signed up for a mission trip to Venezuela. It was amazing. God did all sorts of things there and I would love to go back if given the chance.
In the fall I started college. God began working in me. The first day living on campus I met a group of students who were part of a campus ministry called Campus Outreach. One of the girls on my floor started a flag football team as well as a Bible study. I would go to parties but had no desire to drink. I was a busy body, doing anything and everything I could to be around people. I went to the Bible study, was on the flag football team, went to weekly Campus Outreach meetings, went to the BCM, went to fraternity parties, church, hung out in the school cafeteria more than I went to class, and etc. The next spring, He revealed to me how great He is and how I do not need the things of this world to be satisfied. I was not being satisfied because I did not have Him. He showed me that although I had been raped 2 years prior He could use that for His glory. He in no way desires bad things to happen to His children, just like any good father (Matthew 7). He knew that it would happen. Satan has to ask God’s permission before doing anything to His people (read Job…great example). God allowed this wretched thing in my life because He had (has) a plan to use it for His glory and to make His name great among the nations. He in no way wants me to make my own name great, rather His name is to be proclaimed through out the nations (Matthew 28:18-20).
God has given me the desire to share with anyone that breathes and does/does not know Him. Criteria, if they are breathing, hearing, and human…share with them. My goal in life is to make Christ’s name great among the world. He has given me a heart to go to another country to live for Him. He has me here right now for a reason. Because of past mistakes and taking out loans for college I am now tied to the U.S. financially until at least 2013. Until that time He has not allowed me to leave Jonesboro for more than 7 days (seriously … it is kind of funny and frustrating at the same time). God has a plan for me that will far exceed my plans for me. All I have to do is submit to Him and follow Him where He leads. I may not fully comprehend what He wants me to do, but I shall do it anyway .
God had to completely wreck me to put me on a path of righteousness. This seems to be a common theme with God though. A quote from the movie Eat, Pray, Love, "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation." While I do not agree where she was going with the statement in the movie I wrote it down because it reminds me of how God has worked in my own life. He had to ruin me and show me that I was absolutely nothing compared to His greatness. II Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." We have to be transformed to become Christ-like. To be transformed we must change completely who we were to something new. God has to wreck us of who we were to make us into "little Christ's"... I am content with being wrecked righteous.
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