My Heart Belongs to a Stranger

It has been over a month since I have written anything not work or school related and it is hard to know where to start. My mind has been in overdrive the past couple of weeks and has caused me to be extremely exhausted about 85% of the time. Not fun, let me tell you! However, God has laid some things on my heart and putting pen to paper is a bit slower than typing. Currently my brain cannot handle slow; like I said it is in overdrive. The Lord has reminded me today that although I have not been spending as much time alone with Him as I would like, my heart still belongs to Him.

The Lord
My heart belongs to the Lord, first and foremost, yet it is the relationship I seem to be working at the least. The Lord is sadly becoming a stranger to me because I am slowly but surely lusting after the world (material things I don't need, laziness, etc.). He has given me a heart to work with women from other countries and share the Gospel with them, but in order to be useful I need to be spending time with Him. I have allowed myself to be extremely bogged down with school and work. Rather than take things at a slow pace I am rushing through to finish faster in order to be on a foreign mission field (tell you more about that in the next little segment). I have put my wants and desires ahead of those of the Lover of my soul. The one who paid a price so high I could never repay, He is the one I have neglected. My heart belongs to a stranger named Christ. He holds my heart no matter how close to Him or how far away from Him I make myself. He continues to show love and grace and mercy everyday, even though I do not deserve a single serving. He also reminds me of His love and promises in His own unique way; whether it be waking up to a much needed encouraging text from a sweet girl friend or through the rain (I <3 rain ... I really do).

I heard lyrics from a country song once that say, "she wants to love a stranger, but not the one at home." This song really has nothing to do with anything other than illustrating my point. My heart, I claim, belongs to Christ first; however, I have not been doing a very good job tending to this relationship. The relationship with the Lord is growing distant and cold, which is of no fault of my Lord. It is of my own fault that I have allowed this to happen. I have to fight my selfish desire to be lazy or do what I want to do (which currently means eating, sleeping, or completely vegging out in front of American Idol). If this were a relationship with a physical man of even a normal amount of patience ... I would be out of a relationship really fast! God has been merciful with me and is pulling me back into sweet fellowship with Him. This is not an easy road but definitely one worth taking. My prayer is to fall back into love/fellowship with the Stranger I call Lord, Savior, and Father.


The Mission Field
There is something about the unknown that allures my heart and deepens my desires. Working in another country with women from non-Christian, non-westernized backgrounds has been my desire since coming to know Christ in 2007. Almost instantly after coming to know the Lord, He made it very clear to me that this is what He wants me to do with the time He has alloted. Foreign missions is just that to me, foreign. Working with internationals all day Monday through Friday for the past 3 to 3 1/2 years has fed into the passion and desire I have to see them come to know the Lord. Yet, working with internationals in America is far different than that of working with them in their home countries. My heart belongs to a stranger I call Lord and to that of the mission field. I know and understand not what it takes to work day-in and day-out in another country loving and serving them and learning new ways to die to self (also learning I am not good at dying to self).

Since I love this and day dream of this and often look at jobs in which I can do this, I have put my education in rush mode. I have also increased the amount of debt I have by taking on more loans to pay for this rushed education.  Along with the Lord telling me to do foreign missions, He also let me know He wants me to go overseas debt free. This came a year or two after coming to know Christ. When I was spending TAWG (Time Alone With God ... cheesy but it works, just saying) I came across a couple of passages that basically put me in pause mode for quite sometime (Proverbs 22:26-27 and Romans 13:8). After reading these I did not feel the least bit comfortable with going overseas with debt. The Lord has been kind enough to give me a job that allows me to "put my money where my mouth is" and labor daily with the students until He calls me abroad. My heart belongs to a stranger ... the mission field (this I day dream and wish for about as much as young girls dream and wish for husbands and weddings).


These are the two largest areas built up in my heart. There are others but time does not allow to write about them this evening. My goal or wish or whatever for 2012 is to travel as much as I can. Which, as I see it, is traveling outside the US at least twice. In March, I will be going to Rome, Italy and I am almost certain everyone and "they mama" in my life knows I am going. Excited much? Why heck yes I am! A few other goals include growing closer to the Lord (spending TAWG daily), graduating (currently looks like December), and learning how to use chopsticks (this is silly but true ... ask my friend Nakeli, she tried to teach me and it is harder than it looks).

Lusting After the Wind

This little shpeal is a hard one for me to write. This one bears a little more of my soul and my heart. Recently I started going to a new Bible study or class at church on Wednesday nights. This class is for young adults and we are studying the book of James. God has used this to teach me much about Himself and what He has called me to. This past week we were going through James 1:12-18, but this part of scripture is not particularly what I want to share with you. A comment was made that I hadn't truly thought about. The guy teaching the class made a statement about lust that I hadn't really ever thought of before. He was talking about when he is at work in the office, he would lust after being somewhere else such as the lake. At that moment I realized that day in and day out I have a major lust issue. I am not content with where I am. I long to be in the mission field a bazillion miles away. Not just long for, but lust after. I want that more than anything. But here is the thing, I have two dreams and sadly lust after both. I lust after marriage and lust after missions.

Wanting something is not bad. The definition of lust (according to Noah Webster's New International Dictionary) is a longing desire; an eagerness to posses or enjoy. Wanting things is not bad, but when that want turns into a longing desire that is eager to posses or enjoy ... when you put that want before your love for God, there in lies the problem.

So, when he made that brief little statement about lusting to be at the lake when he is working, yeah let me tell you ... that hurt. It still is wearing on my heart. My desire to live a godly life, turned to lust? Really, wow ... how did I let that happen? God's word says as we are going we are to make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Christ has called us to live a life that is radically different than what we consider following after God. My heart sank when my friend and teacher made that statement, not just sank but I realized I had turned something God had put in me as a pure desire into something so ... so ... so disgusting and sinful. My heart is to go to a place that most missionaries do not dare dream of. Only 1% of the world's missionaries go to what is known as the 10/40 window. This has been on my heart since Christ draw me to Himself. Uhh! I get so mad at myself when I think about turning a Christ-like desire into something so gross!

Currently I am reading a book called Christian Atheist: Believing in God, but Living as if He Doesn't Exist, one of the chapters is titled When You Believe in God but Don't Think You Can Change. The whole chapter was about how we do not believe God can change us. We do not believe that God is powerful enough to change us to be more like Him and to know Him, which is our ultimate purpose. Here is the thing, knowing Christ and being like Him is what we will be doing for all eternity. If you don't like knowing God or even being Christ like, eternity is going to be miserable. Any how, back on track. Craig Groeschel, the author, goes through what it looks like to change and let things go. I only mention this because, although I caught myself in the act of lusting after a dream I also caught myself thinking that I could not change and that it is something that I would do forever (turn godly things into not so godly things). God can use all things for His glory. Let me say that again, God CAN use all things for His glory. It is not just that He can do it but that He will do it. Although my behavior is sinful, God will make it glorify Himself. So there is a little hope there, but I want to live in a way that is honoring to God and by turning a godly desire into a selfish and lustful one does not seem to be the way to go about that. God can change my lust and bring me back to a place of God glorifying desire. To be completely honest, I am not there yet but am working toward that goal and praying God changes me. A key part of that is it is not just God that does the changing but we have a part to uphold. We have to want it, what do we do when we want something? We go for it. So how am I going to go for it? I am going to labor in prayer and seek God's word for wisdom. I have simply been lusting after the wind rather than running after the God of the universe.

Well, I hope all of this rambling makes some type of sense.  ... oh who knows!