The Action in Waiting

Lately my heart has had this gnawing feeling. It is a feeling that I cannot shake, nor do I want to. It is that constant desire to leave everything that I know and everything that is comfortable and go to a new place. A place where nothing is familiar except the scenes from pictures I have looked at and movies I have watched. It is a feeling that I want to go to a place where everyone and everything is new. My heart beats a little faster and my mind wanders at the simple mention of a new place. What would it be like there? Who would I meet? What new things would I try? What are the names of the streets I might walk upon?

Home is not my home. When I leave town I always feel like I am going home. When I am coming back I feel like I am a stranger in a sea of familiar faces. I am more comfortable in a crowd of strangers than in a group of the familiars I have known for so long.

Then, as if God is audibly speaking to me I hear, "Not now my child. That time shall come. Be patient. Look where I have you. Be here. Live here. Love here. Wait for me. Do not get ahead of yourself." It is the words of a dear friend I continue to hear ringing in my mind: "God has not forgotten you. He is not skipping over you. He has a plan that will be far better than you or I could ever imagine."

As I read through scripture I am constantly reminded of the superior plans of God and the lacking plans of man. In Proverbs there are a few verses that say this explicitly.

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD."Proverbs 16:1 

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.Proverbs 19:21

"The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out."Proverbs 20:5

Then there are stories upon stories of how man planned things, God changed the plan, man was obedient (or disobedient in Jonah's case), and God was glorified. For so long I have had grand plans to do things, to go places, to live a certain way and now I am beginning to watch God change those plans. He has answered the many prayers I have prayed and has shown me the path to take. As for now, I sit and wait. Waiting is sometimes the hardest part.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Psalm 27:14

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!"

Psalm 37:7

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry."

Psalm 40:1

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation... For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him...Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:1-8

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning."
Psalm 130:5

Waiting is the hardest part, but what is the proverb we have heard all of our lives? Oh yeah: "Good things come to those who wait." My heart has a gnawing desire that I cannot shake. I do not want to make it go away. So for now; I wait. I only pray that I can wait patiently and wait prayerfully. Waiting doesn't mean that I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Waiting is full of action. It is the action to fulfill what I am to be doing here. The actions to live, love, and learn. Waiting is a willingness to be preoccupied toiling in other ways in other places until the Lord takes me to a new place. 

Nigerian on the Metro

Janelle and I were headed into Rome on Thursday. While we were waiting for the metro to get to the station a lady approached us to ask if we speak English. We told her yes and she let out a huge sigh of relief; she physically looked as if weights had been lifted off her shoulders. She was so excited to find English speakers that it was a joy to speak English. She told us she is from Nigeria and she traveled to Italy to find work. She is horribly homesick and misses her husband and children. She was accuse fly on the wrong metro and didn't know how to get back in the right direction. She began to just talk talk talk on the way to her stop. 

To be honest I can't even tell you her name, but God used her to remind me even when we are obedient to His will and His way things will not always be easy. Honestly I have no idea where she stands spiritually but God likes to remind me of things in the neatest little ways. My desire is to move overseas and share the gospel, He has out this in my heart. Meeting that woman reminded me that leaving everything behind and moving half way around the world is not an easy task. She doesn't speak the language and is struggling in learning and picking it up. She seems to be trying so very hard to make it and not be discouraged. These are the same challenges I will someday, soon, be facing. He doesn't let everything be easy because He wants us to rely on Him. That is what this woman was having to do, rely on something/someone other than herself. She literally relied on two complete strangers to help her. It was such a blessing to be able to be there and give her an (English) outlet. 

Let me back up for a second, when she approached us and realized we spoke English she told us she only approached us because we look friendly. If you know me you know I could talk to a brick wall if I thought it would talk back, basically I love people. This was such a huge compliment, Janelle and I looked friendly, approachable, that is just what she did - she took a leap of faith and approached us for help. I forget how important it is to just appear friendly and loving and approachable. God uses even the simplest things to execute His will. He used Janelle and I to provide the slightest bit of relief to this woman. She walked away with higher spirits than the day before and seemed more confident to conquer the day. Yay for being where God wants us when He wants us there! We don't have to worry if God is going to put us where He wants us, because if we are being obedient (and even in times we are not being so obedient) He has us right where He wants us. Hopefully this thought will stick with me for the rest of this year (2012- not just the school year). This is something I struggle struggle with greatly, wanting to be somewhere else... Somewhere "better."

Trivial Pursuit

As women we crave to be loved, cared for, held, and valued. We want to be told we are pretty and we want to feel pretty when we are around men. God made us to be different from men for a reason. Women have the role or responsibility to respond to men. Men have the role or responsibility to initiate to women (talking about initiating relationships here). God gave all things a particular order for a reason. To be honest, as a single and rather independent woman I have problems with His order occasionally. And yes, by occasionally I mean usually. I am in the trade of heart breaking, you see. Not the hearts of men, but rather my own heart over and over and over again. Sadly it is a repeating cycle, many times the poor man is unsuspecting and has no idea that I am taking a hammer with a pretty little picture of his face on it and shattering my own heart. Why do I do this? Well, not for fun… that is for sure. This is because I am going outside of God’s designed order and trying to create my own. I am basically saying that waiting for God’s best is taking to long and well, I’ll take that one. Then I realize I have made a mistake and not obeyed Christ and have, once again, shattered my own heart. I am left to pick up the pieces and bring them back to God and with tear filled eyes am begging Him to glue my heart back together.

When I go outside of God’s designed order I mess everything up, not that God cannot bless it, but because it is not what He has intended for me. (Mind you, He is not shocked that I am doing this … He knows all things and knows that I am a major screw up). God made men to want to be the leader. He made them to be the head of the household. When we as women go and try to lead, even by asking a man out on a date, it screws the whole thing up. I have used the excuse, “how will he know I like him back if I don’t show him in some way?” Well, asking him out is not the way to do that … that is for darn sure! When we put the metaphorical “pants” on in that relationship the guy begins to feel as if they are no longer needed as the leader and they fall in to passivity. That is not the way things were intended to be.   

“You see when God created male and female He created an object lesson a parable as it where of His entire redemptive plan. Manhood and womanhood, gender, sex, marriage all of those are mini lessons that proclaim the gospel. And when we talk about seeing Christ in the Old Testament we see Christ even in His creation of who He created us to be as male and female. The reason history started with God creating a man and a woman and a marriage, the reason it started with a man, a woman, and a marriage is because it is going to end with a man, a woman, and a marriage. That’s why! It will end when Christ the bridegroom is united with His bride the church and the two become one. This marriage will be consummated throughout eternity. That’s why we have male and female, it’s not about me, it’s not about my husband, and it’s not about you as men and women. It’s about displaying a story. We tell a story by virtue of how we live our lives as men and women.”

 - Mary Kassian, the Gospel Coalition, the Feminist Mistake.

There is much more to God’s design then us as women not being allowed to ask a man out on a date or take control of the relationship. God designed it to be a representation of Christ and the love He has for His bride. Honestly, everything comes back to the gospel so this should come as no surprise that marriage is a picture of the gospel. Christ loved the church so much that He was willing to lay His life down for her. When your boyfriend or fiancé or husband thinks that you might be in danger, what do they do? They run to the rescue no matter the cost, even if it may cost them their life. They love you enough to lay their life down for you. It is the gospel.

“We tell the story of the gospel with who we are as male and female. We uphold the gospel and that’s why it matters. … That is why gender is at the epicenter of the battle right now. Because if Satan can mar the image of male and female, what he is maring and what he is obscuring and what he is twisting is the story of the gospel and the display of the gospel.”

 - Mary Kassian, the Gospel Coalition, the Feminist Mistake

Does that not shake you up, even just a little? “If Satan can mar the image of male and female, what he is maring and what he is obscuring and what he is twisting is the story of the gospel and the display of the gospel.” There have been many times I have been so curious to know how a guy feels about me that I have wanted to scream and I have wanted to march right up to the man and say, “what the heck is going on here?” or even “what the heck are we?” Yet, I forget somehow if he likes me and if it is what God has planned, God will tell that guy we need to have a conversation and we need to figure things out. Now, I am not saying that we should be pulled around like little puppies on a string forever not knowing and being allowed to be led on, but I am saying if we trivialize what God has set up then we are messing with the whole process. God has set up the gender roles for a reason, even if we don’t like them. The grass is always greener on the other side.

This makes me think about every time I have liked a guy, and then have had my little heart crushed (unsuspected by him) when I find out he doesn’t like me back, or he has another girl in mind that he would like to pursue. There is nothing wrong with liking a member of the opposite sex, but when we take that and turn it into something far more we open ourselves up to heartbreak. When we do not let men be men we are taking away from what God has designed. Here is another personal example (no names used here). I have had many guy friends over the years. During college I can name and count the guys I have had crushes on and how I ended up breaking my own heart when they trusted me with the secret of who they were praying to pursue or finding out I am not the apple of this or that guy’s eye. Yeah, not an easy thing to deal with, but there are more than I want to mention and most of those guys don’t even know that they are “those” guys. When we try to take matters into our own hands and ignore the council given to us, God allows us to fall down. Even though we fall down, He is right there to pick us back up. He does not want us to trivialize the pursuit He has put in place. He sought us out and wants the men to seek us out as well.

Let men be men and let them be the ones to pursue. I write this mainly as a reminder to myself but also to those who are always wishing that this guy or that guy would like them or want to be their boyfriend or what not. It all pretty much boils down to contentment. When we are not content in where God has us we are much less likely to trust Him. When we do not trust Him we are trusting in something else, most likely ourselves. This means that we have made ourselves our own god. Let me tell you, we are not very good gods, that is why God is God. All of that to say, when we do not trust God and we trust ourselves we do what we want to get a result, even if it is not the one we want. In my case (in the past) I wanted to know so badly if this or that guy liked me so I would have other guy friends find out who that guy liked (this would be after months of being agonized by liking whoever the guy was). Yeah, it would come as a huge shock when it wasn’t me. Sometimes I would pray for months that God would show me how the guy felt, when I found out it wasn’t the same as me … well you get the point. God has a specific plan and when we try to make our own plan and ignore His, we get hurt.

Are you content or are you trying to make things happen for yourself?

Happily Holy

The past month or so I seem to have been going through a dry spell. Which, to me, inevitably means that I am in sin. I can see the down spiraling of my actions and decisions from decent to bad to worse. As I actively choose sin over the love of Christ I, like everyone else who trust/loves/follows Christ end up far away from Him.

It has taken much for God to pull me back to Him and sadly enough, I am still nowhere near where I was or where I wish I was in my relationship with Him. Through recent events with a few of my friends who have also been going through dry spells, who have also seen the results of sin in their lives, Christ has shown me my own sin against Him and against others. Each one of us, in our own way, have actively chosen to pull away from our first Love. We have chosen to stray off that narrow way and try to hop the fence to get on the wide path that looks so appealing to us. Yet, God stops us and reminds each of us that we are His. He reminds us of the parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15:3-7). When we, as the sheep did, stray from Him He will come find us and rejoice over us. He does not need us. He wants us. He chooses us for no other reason than to bring Himself glory. Yes, you … He chooses you to bring Him glory. The word chooses is not a typo, He actively chooses us everyday. He wants to make you righteous and holy and wants to remind you that you are loved and cared for by Him. This is not just a feel good message like the “Uncle Sam Wants You” campaign; no this is the God of the universe who wants to use you for His glory. But He declares us righteous when we are identified with Him.

Reading through Exodus proves to be difficult once I start trekking through the end of the book. All the information about how the temple was to be built and what was to be plated in gold. All the different tools and metals used and all of the measurements, OH the measurements!! But then I came upon chapter 29. Not necessarily very exciting to me, at least not until I came to verse 34 and 37. What do those two verses say, you may be asking yourself. Well I will tell you!

“It shall not be eaten, because it is holy” ~verse 34 c

“Seven days you shall make atonement for the altar and consecrate it, and the altar shall be most holy. Whatever touches the altar shall become holy.” ~ verse 37

These verses are obviously referring to the rules about sacrifices. This particular way of preparing a sacrifice was only good enough for Christ. This sacrifice could be consumed on the day it was made set upon the altar but if there was any left over it was not to be eaten because it was holy. They could not eat it because it was holy. Holy means it was set apart, different, godly, pure quality. Holy has a whole slew of meanings and this is scratching the mere surface of the depth of the meaning. For now, we will leave it at “set apart” and “different.” This sacrifice was completely set apart. It was only for Christ, it was good enough for only Him. No one below the level of pure godliness could consume this. It was by far different than all the other sacrifices in the way it was prepared and what was to be with it at the end of the day.

We get down to verse 37 and see that the altar was to be consecrated and atonement was to be made for seven days. At this point the altar was considered “most holy” and “whatever touches the altar shall become holy.” After it had been declared holy, anything that touched it became holy as well. When we come to the Lord we are declared righteous and holy. He wants us to be holy as He is holy (Lev. 11:44 and I Peter 1:16). Whatever touched the altar that had been declared holy then became holy. Oooooo how I want this to be reflected in my life! If I am like Christ, who is holy, I should give off holiness. Those around me should be pushed to holiness and become more holy. All because Christ is holy! People rub off on me very easy. I pick up on mannerisms and quirky traits and even patterns of speech. When I think about rubbing off on others, this is what I want others to be getting. I want to love God so much that I would do anything to be holy as He is holy. Those that are around me (or as our pastor would say, in my sphere of influence) should be picking up on holiness more than anything.

Christ has called those who follow Him to a higher standard. We are to be holy as He is holy. Heck we should desire to be holy! Many times I catch myself wanting to be awesome as the world calls awesome rather than seeking Christ-like characteristics. Four and a half years ago I officially began my journey with Christ, well that is when I willingly began to journey with Him for He had already begun working in my heart long before then. My life is completely different from what it was 5 years ago. It is completely different than it was one year ago. Every year, month, and day I should be growing closer to Christ and being conformed to His image. This has not been an easy journey, then again nothing worth it ever is (still planning on writing a separate post about this quote).  We will never reach perfection and yet He still wants us to try. The closer we get to Him the more we should desire this. My appetite for holiness is far different than it was a few years ago as is my appetite for certain foods (ask my friends, I now eat egg rolls… crazy I know!). Just as we crave particular foods we also should crave the things of God in our love for Him.

Coming out of this particular dry season, God has taught me what it means to crave holiness and to crave Christ-likeness. Through a verse near the end of Exodus 29, He reminded me that I am to be holy as He is holy. God’s greatest concern for us is not that we are happy; it is that we are holy. People seem to interchange those two short words when they indeed should not be used interchangeably. The two are completely different. John Piper was quoted, recently, saying, “If God’s love for his children is to be measured by our health, wealth, and comfort in this life, God hated the apostle Paul.” Do you realize it pleased God to crush His own Son? God is not worried about how happy we may be while on this little journey here on earth. He wants us to be made like Him. Being made like Him does not necessarily include being sad, lonely, and depressed. I have known many who love God and have not met the adversity that Paul or Peter or many others have faced. On the other hand, I have known just as many who have experienced the tough trials and sufferings. God has a plan for each one of us and His plans for each person differ. Paul seemed loved God and was thankful to be found righteous in His eyes. I would even say he was happily holy. This too I desire to be.

The Things of This World

“But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.”
--I Timothy 6:6-9

My friends and I have this joke about me leaving the state of Arkansas. It seems as if the past 2 years God has not allowed me to leave for more than 7 days at a time. I had an opportunity to be apart of a mission team going to Indonesia for 8 weeks. The next year I began praying about moving to another state to pursue a short-term degree in culinary arts. Then later that year I began to pray about an opportunity to be apart of a mission team going to Brazil for 12 days. There are many other things I have been able to do. However, all of those things had to be 7 days or less. Today I jokingly asked a friend if she thought God would allow me to move out of the US sooner than what we originally expect, that expectation is roughly 4-5 years from now. The whole point of me asking the question had to do with the fact a co-worker and I began looking at pictures Peace Corps volunteers had taken over the years. My heart immediately went out to all of the people in those countries. Many of them have no idea who Christ is, those that do have misconstrued ideas of who He really is. Many believe Jesus was a prophet or a very moral person. God has placed something on my heart that has been there since the time I came to know Him. However, lately He is pressing it on my heart. I cannot be content with the things of this culture, nor can things of this world satisfy me. He does not let me forget that this world is not meant to be my home. My home is with my Father in heaven.
I have no reason to be concerned with things of this world. There is nothing here that I can take with me when I die, except for the salvation that is given to me by Christ Himself. The Lord has placed upon my heart to not be worried about cars or money or higher education or expensive things. I am concerned with the souls of those around me. God has given me a unique opportunity to work with over 900 people from 68 different countries. Hearing about the way a majority of people live in the countries that are represented makes me extremely sad. For the most part I do not know anyone from those type of areas, the people in the US from other countries are here because they can afford to be here (I am referring to the students I work with). It breaks my heart to see so many girls more worried about how well their hair and make up are done and what they are wearing to this or that party. It makes me sad to hear the amount of money spent every year at fast food chains. It tears me up to know that we chose to forget about the rest of the world when so many are perishing without know who Christ is. We are leaving them without clean water to drink; yet we have indoor water parks. We leave them without food to eat; yet we buy groceries and forget about them two days later. We leave them with no hope, dying in various parts of the world from things we do not take the time to educate them about. We are no better than they, we have the answers and do not share. I am speaking to myself here. There are so many ways that I could be helping and chose not to.
God has allowed our country to have access to some of the most amazing resources, wealth, knowledge, etc. Our poor are wealthier than the rest of the worlds poor. A friend was telling me about a guy taking a poll in soup kitchens. He walks into a soup kitchen and asks everyone in the room “how many of you have cable television?” Every person in the room raised their hand. All of these people could avoid the soup kitchen if they simply did away with cable. However, we as a whole would much rather try and keep up with the Jones’ than feed the hungry, clothe the naked, share the water, and educate those who have no chance. We are a self-centered people. Our everyday choices show this.
We are so wrapped up in sports and big cars and new computers and the latest phone and the nicest house in the subdivision. God has not allowed me to be content with these things. Last year I bought an iPhone. I just “had” to have it. Honestly, I thought I deserved it, I thought all of MY hard work and MY hard earned money had earned ME a new phone. From the time I bought it until the time I sold it, that thing was a lemon! I bought it with selfish intent and it showed. My work began to take over my life. I would answer emails at 2 am (or whenever my phone would beep and tell me I had an email). I was constantly holding on to that thing, I could not let it go. It was more important to me then…well…almost any other thing. That is called idolatry. My phone was my idol. How dumb is that?! Well, a friend helped me sell it. Which was awesome because it sold for 3 times what I paid for it. Apparently it was “worth” more than I thought, monetarily anyway. God used that instance in my life to show me a phone is a piece of junk. No matter what type of phone I own, I will not be taking it with me when I die. No matter what car I drive (if any) and no matter what clothes I wear. He has not allowed me to be content with the things of this world.
God is the only thing that matters in this world. We, as Christians, seem to be the first to forget that we were not made to impress those around us. Not even other people, God does not want us to try and impress Him either. He can see straight through everything we think, say, and do. He knows us completely. He knows more about us than we could know about ourselves. We are selling ourselves short. If we live only to keep up with the Jones’ we are missing the point of life…
Are you missing the point of life? Think about what your daily thoughts, words, and actions say about what you believe. Are you truly living out what God has called you to? Do you value God more than you value your possessions?

**Please know that I am not saying you should go sell your phone, car, clothes, etc. because you are “unspiritual” for having them. These are just the things that God has shown me.**