Lusting After the Wind

This little shpeal is a hard one for me to write. This one bears a little more of my soul and my heart. Recently I started going to a new Bible study or class at church on Wednesday nights. This class is for young adults and we are studying the book of James. God has used this to teach me much about Himself and what He has called me to. This past week we were going through James 1:12-18, but this part of scripture is not particularly what I want to share with you. A comment was made that I hadn't truly thought about. The guy teaching the class made a statement about lust that I hadn't really ever thought of before. He was talking about when he is at work in the office, he would lust after being somewhere else such as the lake. At that moment I realized that day in and day out I have a major lust issue. I am not content with where I am. I long to be in the mission field a bazillion miles away. Not just long for, but lust after. I want that more than anything. But here is the thing, I have two dreams and sadly lust after both. I lust after marriage and lust after missions.

Wanting something is not bad. The definition of lust (according to Noah Webster's New International Dictionary) is a longing desire; an eagerness to posses or enjoy. Wanting things is not bad, but when that want turns into a longing desire that is eager to posses or enjoy ... when you put that want before your love for God, there in lies the problem.

So, when he made that brief little statement about lusting to be at the lake when he is working, yeah let me tell you ... that hurt. It still is wearing on my heart. My desire to live a godly life, turned to lust? Really, wow ... how did I let that happen? God's word says as we are going we are to make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Christ has called us to live a life that is radically different than what we consider following after God. My heart sank when my friend and teacher made that statement, not just sank but I realized I had turned something God had put in me as a pure desire into something so ... so ... so disgusting and sinful. My heart is to go to a place that most missionaries do not dare dream of. Only 1% of the world's missionaries go to what is known as the 10/40 window. This has been on my heart since Christ draw me to Himself. Uhh! I get so mad at myself when I think about turning a Christ-like desire into something so gross!

Currently I am reading a book called Christian Atheist: Believing in God, but Living as if He Doesn't Exist, one of the chapters is titled When You Believe in God but Don't Think You Can Change. The whole chapter was about how we do not believe God can change us. We do not believe that God is powerful enough to change us to be more like Him and to know Him, which is our ultimate purpose. Here is the thing, knowing Christ and being like Him is what we will be doing for all eternity. If you don't like knowing God or even being Christ like, eternity is going to be miserable. Any how, back on track. Craig Groeschel, the author, goes through what it looks like to change and let things go. I only mention this because, although I caught myself in the act of lusting after a dream I also caught myself thinking that I could not change and that it is something that I would do forever (turn godly things into not so godly things). God can use all things for His glory. Let me say that again, God CAN use all things for His glory. It is not just that He can do it but that He will do it. Although my behavior is sinful, God will make it glorify Himself. So there is a little hope there, but I want to live in a way that is honoring to God and by turning a godly desire into a selfish and lustful one does not seem to be the way to go about that. God can change my lust and bring me back to a place of God glorifying desire. To be completely honest, I am not there yet but am working toward that goal and praying God changes me. A key part of that is it is not just God that does the changing but we have a part to uphold. We have to want it, what do we do when we want something? We go for it. So how am I going to go for it? I am going to labor in prayer and seek God's word for wisdom. I have simply been lusting after the wind rather than running after the God of the universe.

Well, I hope all of this rambling makes some type of sense.  ... oh who knows!